Funny Jokes For Children One Liners

Funny Jokes For Children One Liners

Q: What is the tallest building in the world? 

A: The library! It has the most stories! 

Q: What do you call a belt with a watch on it? 

A: A waist of time 

Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor? 

A: Because it was not peeling well 

Q: Why is England the wettest country? 

A: Because the queen has reigned there for years! 

Q: Why do fish live in salt water? 

A: Because pepper makes them sneeze! 

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer? 

A: He wanted cold hard cash! 

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? 

A: Frostbite. 

Q: What is the best day to go to the beach? 

A: Sunday, of course!

Q: What bow can't be tied? 

A: A rainbow! 

Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline? 

A: Spring time. 

Q: Where did the computer go to dance? 

A: To a disc-o. 

Q: What has one head, one foot and four legs? 

A: A Bed 

Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train? 

A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew chew". 

Q: Why did the birdie go to the hospital? 

A: To get a tweetment. 

Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa? 

A: A Clausterphobic 

Q: What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? 

A: Ouch 

Q: Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? 

A: Because his friend said dinner is on me. 

Q: Why is a 2016 calendar more popular than a 2015 calendar? 

A: It has more dates. 

Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof? 

A: Never mind, it's over your head! 

Q: What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? 

A: A penny. 

Q: Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance? 

A: Because he had no-body to go with. 

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest? 

A: They take the psycho path. 

Q: What three candies can you find in every school? 

A: Nerds, DumDums, and smarties. 

Q: Why are pirates called pirates? 

A: Cause they arrrrr. 

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other? 

A: Cell phones. 

Q: Where do snowmen keep their money? 

A: In snow banks. 

Q: What washes up on very small beaches? 

A: Microwaves! 

Q: What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? 

A: The road! 

Q: Why was there thunder and lightning in the lab? 

A: The scientists were brainstorming! 

Q: Why did Tony go out with a prune? 

A: Because he couldn't find a date! 

Q: What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? 

A: Hi Cliff!

Top 35 Kids Jokes Of The Day

Top 35 Kids Jokes Of The Day

Why cant a tryanosauras clap? Its extinct – Sharyce

What do you call an elephant in a phonebooth? Stuck – Jodie

What do you call a blind dinosaur? A Doyouthinkhesawus. – Brenda

What do you call a dinosaur that does not take a bath? A Stink-o-Saurus. – Stacey

Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze! – Tina

Knock knock. Who’s there? Cow. Cow who? No, silly cows don’t say whoo cows say moooooo – Jaimie

Girl: Why is your nose so swollen?
Boy: I was smelling a brose.
Girl: Silly! There’s no “b” in rose.
Boy: There was in this one! – Brenda

Knock knock.   Who’s there?
Interrupting cow.
Interr…
MOO!!
Hard to write. The person interrupts the answer by saying MOO!! Hope you get it. My kids think its the funniest thing to yell it at the person getting ready to say interrupting cow who!! They just laugh!!
Then they start doing other animals and noises they can think of!!   – Keri

Q: what do cows read with breakfast? A: A moooospaper – Amber

What do you call a deer with no eyes?-No eye deer (no idea) – Kim

Why did the fastest cat in school get suspended? Cuz he was a cheetah (cheater) – Candice

What do you call a cow that just had a baby? De-calf-inated. – Brenda

knock knock . . . who’s there? Who. Who who? Is there an owl in here?! – Jenna

What does a piece of toast wear to bed? His pa-JAM-as – Laken

What do you call cows that are laying down? Ground beef. – Brenda

Giving Birth Jokes--Kids Jokes Of The Day

Giving Birth 

A woman starts dating a doctor. 

Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. 

About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection. 

The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. 

After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor.

 "It's worth a try," he says. So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest.

 After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, 

"Father, you're not going to believe this."

 "What?" says the priest.

 "What happened?" 

"You gave birth to a child." "But that's impossible!" 

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby." 

About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. 

One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father." 

The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

 The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father." 

Sobriety Test--Kids Jokes Of The Day

Sobriety Test 

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. 

He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."

 The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. 

I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."

 "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death." 

"Well, then, we need a urine sample." says the officer 

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar." 

"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line." says the officer 

"I can't do that, officer." 

Says the guy (with a full grin on his face) 

Now becoming fustrated the officer says "Why not?" "Because I'm drunk." 

Texas Smarts Jokes--Kids Jokes Of The Day

Texas Smarts 

Two men from Texas were sitting at a bar, when a young lady nearby began to choke on a hamburger. 

She gasped and gagged, and one Texan turned to the other and said, 

"That little gal is havin' a bad time. I'm a gonna go over there and help." 

He ran over to the young lady, held both sides of her head in his big, 

Texan hands, and asked, "Kin ya swaller?" Gasping, she shook her head no. He asked, "Kin ya breathe?" 

Still gasping, she again shook her head no. 

With that, he yanked up her skirt, pulled down her panties and licked her on the butt. 

The young woman was so shocked that she coughed up the piece of hamburger and began to breathe on her own. 

The Texan sat back down with his friend and said, 

"Ya know, it's sure amazin' how that hind-lick manoeuvre always works." 

Orange Bar Jokes--Kids Jokes Of The Day

Orange Bar Jokes 

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, 

"Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" 

The student replied, "Here's an orange." The professor was livid.

 "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, 

"Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..." 

Signalman Joke--Kids Jokes Of The Day

Signalman Joke

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box. 

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: 

"What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?" 

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track." 

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector. 

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom. 

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector. 

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box." 

"What if the phone was being used?" 

"In that case," Tom argued, 

"I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station." 

"What if that had been vandalized?" 

"Oh well," said Tom, 

"in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo." 

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, 

"Why would you do that?" 

"Because he's never seen a train crash."